“Breakout the popcorn, crack open a beer, and turn off your brain. Bloodsport is so bad it’s great.”

Bloodsport: 2.5 out of 5

This is a tricky one for me. How do you rank a movie that you loved because of how bad it was?

Bloodsport was Jean-Claude Van Damme’s breakout film. It is basically Enter the Dragon (or Mortal Combat for my millennial readers) done on a low-budget in the heart of the eighties — complete with ethnic stereo types that include an African fighter who hops around on all fours like a monkey, a training sequence set to perfectly cheesy 80’s music, and one of the worst chase scenes ever put to celluloid.

The director of this movie is Newt Arnold, also known as the “Man in Shower” in the Goonies… literally. He has done virtually nothing else of significance according to Rotten Tomatoes. Hint: he is the one with the eye patch… of course.

This movie is about the existence of a greater power, the perception of reality, and grown men beating the shit out of each other. Actually, it is only about grown men beating the shit out of each other. Kumite! Kumite! Kumite!


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